Coping with feelings of Guilt

Like any other person on this planet, I, too, am as imperfect or perfect. Perhaps, a little more "imperfect" than others, okay? :-) At the same time, when I am really guilty of something, I am one of the first to accept my guilt and to publicly owe up to it without much fuss. However, there is one area where I do not readily accept my guilt: it has to do with my somewhat imperfect driving and managing to get myself into sticky situations while doing so. I don't have the exact figures on my fingertips, but if the police were to count my instances of "rash" driving and "the ability to hit others' vehicles with mine, even if they be stationary and parked near the sides of the road", I would have had to surrender my driving licence long ago!

Having said that, usually, when I am guilty as hell of doing something wrong, I tend to sulk for hours, then retire to a quiet corner of my home and brood for some time, a packet of potato chips in my hand to see me through the down phase. I have learnt not to allow the brooding to take over my other, worldly, responsibilities. Hence, I always remember what is happening around me and what other tasks are still to be accomplished before the day is done. Feeling guilty is normal, but feeling depressed and shunning life's so many exciting events is not.

How soon would I go and express regrets to the wronged person? If the guilt is clear, I say "sorry" right away; if the guilt becomes clear later on, I make it a point to meet that person or call him up and convey my regrets. If my mistake hasn't been discovered, and the harm it caused was totally insignificant, I have sometimes cheated and not gone and owed up too. Which person hasn't cheated thus? I have felt somewhat more guilty for doing so ... but for just a few days. After that, these things are forgotten and life goes on.

Unexpected Feelings

At times, when you least expect them, and are unguarded, contrary emotions overwhelm you. This has the impact of a solid punch driven into your stomach! Let me give you an example: consider that you are waiting for a bus to go to work. The expected bus at half past nine does not turn up. A pile of work awaits you at the office, and your boss, although accommodating at most times, is knowingly passing through a bad personal patch in his life, so you don't want to be on his wrong side. If you wait for the next bus, which is due after 45 minutes, you will surely not arrive in the office at ten, which is, give or take ten minutes, your reporting time.

If you decide to cab it, you are going to burn a big hole in your pocket, as the office-home fare is near about one big note of Rs. 100/= (U.S. $1 = approx. Rs. 42/= as of 20th May 2008). You expect to feel worried, a little panicky and perhaps a bit depressed at missing the bus, but suddenly, a quite different kettle of fish grabs you by the collar: you feel exhilarated! Relieved! Lucky!

Now, why should THAT happen? I don't know, but here is my take on this: base emotions sometimes take over your ego and superego and make your cunning, impish and devilish side show through! Thus, you could be happy because you got that genuine excuse to throw at the boss and see his reaction when he realises that he cannot punish you or chide you; you feel relieved because, in any case, the huge bundle of files awaiting your attention could NEVER have been done by the same evening. You feel lucky because here is a reason to actually bunk going to the office at all!

Now, a sane, rational person would be appalled to come face to face with these, quite contrary opinions, right? Not so with me, as I often come up with totally unexpected emotions in life. At times, retrospectively, I despise myself for it. At times, though,I continue to feel unrepentant about those ill-feelings and go ahead with life without missing a heartbeat.

Dear reader, have you ever felt such contrary emotions? Do comment.